Growing up in a Christian home means I've heard the gospel since I was in the womb, and quite possibly before that. I then made the typical Christian girl decision to trust Jesus at 4 years old. Now, I am not making light of that fact, because I have no doubt in my mind that my desire to have Jesus in my heart was completely and utterly genuine on that December day. My faith though, didn't become real and my own until later.
Family has always been viewed as extremely important. We were and are supposed to spend time with them and love them unconditionally. Extended family was also included in this. Now I by no means have a perfect extended family, but they are all wonderful. Those who had the most impact in my growing up years though, were my Mimi and Poppy. Every chance that they got, they were visiting us or vice verse. I treasured those times with everything in me, especially every chance I got to play "Go Fish" with my Poppy. My goal in life was to beat him... Somehow I only vaguely remember that happening once :) Looking back, I see the numerous seeds that both he and Mimi planted in my heart, through the various encouragement to memorize Scripture and the books of the Bible.
On December 14, 2003 that perfect world was shattered.
To this day, I remember everything about that horrific day. My parents came home from the Colts game and called me home from my next door neighbors house. I wasn't too thrilled because we were clearly having the time of our lives. They sat me (and I believe my siblings were there too) down on the edge of their bed, and broke the news to me as sweetly as possible to a 10-year-old. My grandpa had died. Screaming, I ran out of the room convinced my parents were liars and proceeded to lock myself in my room. The rest of the night was filled with people coming and saying what they though and more than likely were encouraging words, but I didn't want to hear one bit of it. From that day, I made up my mind that no good God could or would take away my Poppy.
It was on that day that I began my stage of unbelief and "faking" the Christian walk. I became pretty darn good at it too. I knew all of the right answers, and could say all of the right things to make it appear as if I was the perfect little Christian girl. And I kept this up until the summer before my 8th grade year. My family went up to Schroon Lake, NY and my parents decided that I should go to the Word of Life Island for a week of camp with my cousin, Alyssa. I was by no means thrilled because that means getting out of my comfort zone and hearing a full week about God. Little did I know how God would break down those walls that I had built up that week. It's so clear how God orchestrated that week in my life, and how on August 1, 2007 my walk with Christ became so real and I became fully His.
Unfortunately another curve ball was about to be thrown my way.
My sister was killing herself. Literally starving to death. And instead of walking down the road of unbelief this time, I began down the road of anger, bitterness, and resentment towards God, but especially towards my sister. How could she do something like this? Was it all for the attention? Well she sure got it, and I didn't. Since I wasn't the one struggling outwardly, everyone assumed I was just fine. Little did they know the insecurities and doubts that that overlooking created in my heart, and it led to something that I still am working through today.
Throughout my whole story, a common theme is pretending; I've got it down pat. God is slowly chipping that away as he has brought more and more incredibly godly people in my life. But I won't lie, I still depend and thrive on what other people think because I went probably about 5 years without receiving affirmations or compliments of value.
My sister is officially 2 years in remission, but that is where God is still working in our relationship! So much love and trust was broken, that our relationship is not like other "best friend sisters," but we are slowly getting there. I, especially, am realizing how cool my sister actually is and that I am the example that she looks up to, which is one big responsibility!
Through this all, God has made it clear that He is refining me. He made me perfect, and my human nature built up a rock wall around that perfection and He is slowly chipping away that rock wall. I'm still able to patch up any of those cracks He makes with my pretending, but slowly God is taking that away and stripping me bare.
Proverbs 3:5-6-- "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." -- I can't control everything in my life, as evidenced by the fact my grandpa died. But I am beginning to see where God's path is leading me through that trial.
Galatians 1:10-- "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."--Every time I read this it continues to speak truth to me. I don't need to impress everyone, not do I need to be noticed or complimented every day. Yes, it's nice, but God sees the real me and is making me in to the beautiful woman He desires me to become, rather than me trying to be a beautiful woman by the world's standards.
Each day is a new chip that God is making in my stone wall, but I am beginning to understand and see how beautiful of a woman God desires me to become and how the trials shape and mold me to His perfect form.
THIS is my story through God's grace and unending love and mercy.
THIS is the pure unadulterated Grace Louise Ries.
THIS is me.
