Questions

Until this past week, I have never ONCE doubted my gifts, talents, and desires that God has given me.

Until this past week, I have wanted to be a first grade teacher.

Until this past week, I have been fairly confident in my teaching abilities.

Until this past week, I have been so excited to teach.

UNTIL THIS PAST WEEK.

Planning lessons, implementing them in the classroom, giving tests, and simply watching students grow all seem to be pretty cut, dry, and simple. Well, at least, that's what I thought. Never before did I realize the amount of work, thought, time, effort, tears, and love that go into EACH AND EVERY lesson that a teacher gives. And I truly thought that I wasn't cut out to do it.

Monday was hard... I realized that I have to teach my 3-day mini unit on Christopher Columbus next week and really had no idea how I was going to do that. And let me just say... teaching this to 6 and 7 year olds is quite the task. It's so abstract. This guy, who died WAY before they were even thought of, sailed over the ocean (wait... what's an ocean? Oh yeah, that big blue thing in between the green things on a map.) and landed somewhere close to America (although, my world has been thrown upside down as I have realized that Columbus actually DIDN'T find America... or anywhere close to it.... and actually sold slaves and did all this awful stuff... needless to say, I WON'T be informing my first graders of that. They will still get the pretty picture of "Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492!") and basically is credited to be the founder of the United States of America. How in the WORLD was I going to make that relatable to kids? First graders can't memorize the names of the ships, countries, queens and kings, and all that other jazz that goes along with Columbus. Plus, why do they even care? All they care about is what they are going to get as a snack or reward for good behavior, much less who came to American first. Psh, there's NO WAY that they would even understand what I was talking about.

So I was lost.

Completely and utterly lost.

My break down occurred with LOTS of tears and deciding I wasn't meant to be a teacher. (Although, I don't know where I would have gone with that had I continued to believe that.....)

But God is always good to lead me to verses that speak truth.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."

(1 Peter 4:11)

"Consider ir pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

(James 1:2-4)

"Continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it."

(2 Timothy 3:14)

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

(Philippians 3:12,14)

I'm not going to be perfect the first time I create, plan, write, and teach a lesson plan. And I think that's where so many of my doubts and questions came in because I hold myself to the standard that I must present it in a perfect way otherwise I'll never pass, or never make a good teacher, you get the point... Plus, it's NOT MY STRENGTH that can do it. I was simply trying to do it all on my own. Didn't really ask for advice or help because that would show that I'm weak and that I don't really know what I'm doing... WRONG. I've learned that showing weaknesses, really means growing in those areas because then you are able to be encouraged and shown different ideas that have worked and that will really enhance your lesson plan in the first place.

So needless to say, this week has been a trial. And unfortunately, at the beginning I failed. I wasn't confident in the passion and talent that God has given me. I [almost] didn't continue to persevere because I didn't think I had the strength to.

But my God is a God of second chances (and thankfully my professors are too!) and I've learned that practice and questions really make a teacher. I had previously learned that, but now that I've actually implemented that in my own life, I see it even more clearly. Now I'm persevering through this because I know the outcome will be incredible because I am more confident in my skills God has given me. I know that God has me in my first grade classroom and Brookside Elementary School to make a difference. And while maybe not all of the results that I see are what I want, I know that I'm still pressing on and my rewards might simply be eternal.

I know now though that God has given me this gift and there is nothing that can stop me from pursuing it to the best of my ability, because in the end, it will be the most rewarding job in the world.