From the get-go, I knew that God was going to teach me a big lesson in Nicaragua, but at the time I had no idea what that lesson could be. Even looking back through journal entires leading up to the trip, I can see that "control" was going to be a theme, but I did not really realize that until I got down to Nicaragua. So much of it was "I did..." or "I accomplished.." or "God help me because I..." and then I made the huge statement in my prayer the night before I left, "Open my heart to what You want to teach me."
[Note to everyone: if you pray that, you probably should be prepared for what God is going to do.]
So going down there, I had this perfect plan. Literally. Maybe it was the teacher in me, but I couldn't go down there without extra copies of the lessons, that had been gone through--line-by-line-- and organized by day, as well as crafts, coloring books, and other supplies galore! It could not have been more wonderful. Then, even more of a God thing, EVERYONE on the team brought something to contribute to the children ministry, so we were well beyond blessed with supplies! Everything was picturesque. Then we went to the building which we were holding the VBS in, and it was beautiful. Again, picturesque.
The first day could not have gone more wonderfully. But that's when I started realizing how NOT in control I was.
[Now, I'm going to take a minute to divert from Nicaragua for a minute. Most of you that know me, know that I do like to be in control, that really is no secret. Not necessarily in things such as relationships, because you also know that I am the most indecisive person ever. But in other things, such as plans, life, and even sometimes friendships. I can blame it all I want on the teacher in me, but it is still something that God has been working on me with. As much as I would like there not to be, there are going to be things that are out of my control. That I can't help. At all. But sometimes, the stubbornness in me will refuse to acknowledge that. I want to think that I have it all under control, because after all, with how I planned it, it should be PERFECT, right? Well just wait to see how it plays out...]
That night as I journaled I wrote something that I don't even think I realized that I wrote until I got home and was reading through it...
"I so wish I could speak Spanish fluenty. It would make things a lot easier, though I guess that is part of God growing me! I can't control everything nor do I have the answers to everything, which I won't like has been difficult. I'm so used to being in charge, and I know I'm not. At all."
There is no way that was anyone but God working in my heart as I read that. Because little did I know that the next day, I was about to be hit with something so hard that I couldn't function. Literally.
Around lunch time, I began to feel a little dizzy, but didn't think much of it because I was drinking (4 liters of water that day, as a matter of fact!) a lot. But by the end of VBS that afternoon, I knew something was wrong. I started getting dizzy and seeing spots. [and most normal, not control freaks would have sat down and realized that they needed to talk to a doctor] but not me... I continued on until I almost passed out. I got some NASTY electrolyte stuff, as well as a not-quite-tasty granola bar to hopefully get my blood sugars back up, but to no avail. I was hit with THE worst migraine of my life. I couldn't walk, talk, or function without wanting to die. I even prayed, "God, I think I'm ready. If you take me, at least it would be in a place that I consider home."
Thankfully, God knew it wasn't my time, and I eventually realized that too, even though at some points I really was questioning God's timing!
The next day I was completely disengaged from doing anything. I could still barely standing up without wanting to throw up and/or wanting to just go meet Jesus. But of course, being stubborn, I didn't want to stay at the hotel by myself all day, so I decided to go to the clinic. Of course to do nothing all day... Well at least that's what I told myself. FINALLY, I had some people speak to me in a frank, but loving way, saying that I legitimately needed to do nothing so that I could participate in the rest of the week. At first, I wasn't happy, I won't lie. I hate sitting around doing nothing all day, but my head (and my life) very much thanked them for that. But that day was one of the days I was blessed most. Since I was sick, they made me drink TWICE as much water as I had been, so like 6 liters later, my bladder was about to explode. Thankfully as this point I had gotten to the point where I could stand up and not want to die. So I was headed to the squatties [which were a beautiful experience, in and of themselves...] and two of my little kids spotted me. At first, I was super hesitant because I still didn't know how I would make it to the bathroom without passing out. But they grabbed my hands, and it was like through their touch, God gave me strength. They both were like, "Hola! Hola! Como estas?" and then I still don't know how I understood this, and I can't even say it in Spanish, but they were like, "We missed you and were praying for you. Please come back."
Oh how my heart broke. When I'm not in control, God moved my heart.
I realized those little kids know the definition of love and show it unconditionally when I was not in control. They realized that, and it was through their precious, innocent words that I realized how good of a thing it was that God was and is in control.
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