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It's funny the things that books can make you ponder...

1. I saw this picture on Pintrest the other day and that's what got me thinking about this blog. Recently I've had a lot of issues with insecurity, just like every girl experience sometime in life, I'm sure. It doesn't make it any easier though. This picture encouraged me A LOT though. "You are MORE than the choices that you make." Wow. We all mess up at some time or other because we are human. Therefore not perfect, but that doesn't mean that our choices define us. Yes, much of the time they can make up the person that we become but those bad decisions that we make can become learning lessons as we accept the fact that we are more than those choices. "You are MORE than the sum of your past mistakes." Thank the Lord. If I wasn't... Well let's just say I'd have a way bigger issue on my hand. Forgiveness is such an incredible thing! God offers it on a very regular basis for all of those times we do mess up... "You are MORE than the problems that you create." I'm sure I do this a lot... Blow things out of proportion... Get in fights... Etc... But I am more than that. Those don't have to define me. God has given me a second chance [multiple times] to be more than the sinful person that I am. All of those times where I pick little fights or read into things wrong or talk back or get angry... I can rise above that with the power and grace of God coming along side of me and giving me the strength I need to become the woman that I am meant to be.


2. More: "A greater or additional amount."
Ant- Less: "A smaller amount of; not as much."
There's a lot of things this could apply to... 
The amount of food eaten.
The number of hours practiced on the piano.
The number of children in my daycare.
The quantity of friends at Asbury.
The quality of friends everywhere.
The number of boyfriends


The longing in me to find that perfect guy.


I've noticed a trend of mine to talk about guys in blogs... I promise, it's not always part of my thought process! Part of it is a girl thing... Other parts... Well there may not be excuses for everything!


But this is a little bit different. For 3 days this Christmas break my family had the opportunity to go up to Indianapolis, and I got to see my best  friend. It was so awesome! The Colt's won... We stayed up until 4am [well... She did, I kinda fell asleep halfway through the movie!] We took PhotoBooth pictures... Picture perfect. At least outwardly. During an excursion around downtown Indy at 12:30 at night we had a pretty deep discussion regarding guys. Both of us have experience pain of some extent with boys... [those silly boys!] But the mutual conclusion was this: We wish we could just find the ONE. I don't particularly want a boyfriend right now...because more than likely that'd end up in pain and a break up. I'd love to find the one who is going to cherish me and love me for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm not meant to find that person... I don't know! But it's so difficult having feelings for a person and not really knowing what to do with them because they still linger or increase despite my want for them to go away. I want my contentedness to be in Christ, which I do believe it is! Then why does this intense longing not go away?? It's as if my heart is wanting it more and more and my actual life is giving me less and less. 

One day I do hope that I will find the perfect guy. Maybe the story won't be perfect... But it'll be MY perfect love story. As I referenced at the beginning of the blog, a series of books have provoked a lot of thoughts on this topic... For Christmas I received the Bailey Flanigan series by Karen Kingsbury. [which I HIGHLY recommend!] Since the Baxter books, there has been this little fling between Cody and Bailey. It was practically perfect; fully evident that they were made for each other. Through a series of events though, that has changed... Now I won't give away any more than that but reading through Bailey's story hits a little close to home. It's given me reason to think and evaluate everything about relationships that I've had/are possible to happen. 
I still am looking... praying... hoping... wishing... But I was talking to a friend last night and realized, as I was saying something to her, how TRUE it was in my life: God brought me through this latest trial with a guy because He wanted to see just how much HE [God] was the center of my life. I had gotten so caught up in the fun of a romance that I brushed aside keeping Christ as my everything. Don't misunderstand, I was reading my Bible on a daily basis; I was growing bunches spiritually... But I wasn't  making it my all. Now I can look back and see how extending God's grace is for not letting it get any deeper for the time being and letting me back track even more. This break has been a lot of looking and re-evaluating... Feelings are still there, fortunately or unfortunately [haven't quite figured out which one...] but as a friend said last night, "It needs to happen of GOD'S time." That's when I'll really be ready.

3. Being found... More and more, I've found myself pulling away. Whether that is to avoid hurt or for anything other reason, I'm not 100% sure. But as I do that, I realize all I really want is to be pursued by people that care. Recently I've realized more and more how much God is pursuing me though, with an EVERLASTING love and promise that will never be broken! A lot of the struggles come with insecurities that I haven't been willing to give up to God... Yes, I say that I've prayed about it, and I have... but fully surrendering it would give me MORE freedom than I could ever even imagine. 


Have you caught a theme?


MORE.
[More than the crudy things of this life...]
[More than the mistakes that I make...]
[More than the insecurities about the fact I haven't found "the one..."]
[More than the hurt I anticipate...]


Some thing that surpasses these MORE than I could imagine is God's love and grace.
I must learn to be content with something so much greater than earthly "goods." It will fulfill me and give so much more meaning to life itself if I surrender MORE on a daily basis! Afterall...
"God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." 
[Hebrews 11:40]

Tears...

I've learned...

It's ok to cry.

It's ok to let those emotions out that have been holding me captive.

It's ok to have emotions play a part in my life.

It's ok to be hurt.

It's ok to be sad.

It's ok to love someone enough to be willing to let them go.

It's ok to trust someone enough to let them know the deep things of life.

It's ok to pour out my heart in anguish to God because He WANTS me to.

It's ok to run to my mom for the love and encouragement she has always provided me with.

It's ok to move on.

Now some of you may be thinking, "Wow. She is just now figuring that out?"

Well the answer is yes... I'm stubborn. If you know me at all, you most definitely have figured that out. That stubbornness leads me down more paths of hurt than it would if I just gave it up. I don't let myself cry. I don't let myself get involved with people to the point that I COULD get hurt. I don't talk to people about what is going on. I don't run to people for help. I don't trust.

Why?

To be quite honest, I'm not 100% sure. There have been those times where my trust has been completely broken. It might just be all of the insecurities about myself though that affect the little things in life. Me... Insecure? Yeah right. Ha, I'm the one who has it all together? I'm the one who has gone on to live a wonderful life with nothing hindering me? Oh I wish... 

Little things people may not know about me:

1. I hide behind people. I don't think I'm good enough to be in a spotlight of any kind.

2. I feel like academically I am not excelling at all... All of my friends got at LEAST a 3.9 GPA and are at college for academic scholarships. At Heritage I struggled to keep a 3.5 GPA. Always at the bottom of the chain, especially comparing myself to friends...

3. I have an awful habit of comparing myself to people. Am I bigger than them? Am I dumber than them? She is so much of a better pianist...vocalist...artist...you name it.

4. I struggle with feeling accepted. I can never tell when things are genuine, which makes me doubt most everything.

But these are all things I see God taking into His hands and saying, "Look Grace, I made YOU. You are beautiful. You are special. You are loved. You are MINE. You are perfect. You are made in MY image. You have gifts that no one else has. You have a brain that functions to play a part in the plan I have for you. You have significance. You have a place in this world. You are YOU and don't be anyone else because that's not who I created you to be."

How awesome is that?

It doesn't mean that those won't be a struggle... It just means that God knows them and He is contradicting each and everyone of them as I allow myself to grow closer to Him. As I continue to trust Him with my life and surrender it completely to Him.

God has stretched and grown me in ways that I can't even have begun to imagine... Even this year, these past few weeks, it's been amazing what happens when I am fully surrendered to God. Yes, there have been more tears than normal, but THAT'S OK! God wants those. He doesn't want me harboring in my pain, wallowing in self-pity. He wants me to experience those things so that I might rely on Him in an even more real way than if I hadn't experienced any of these things. It isn't the pain that is bad, it is the way that I react to it that can be detrimental to myself. I can choose to look at it in a way that says, "Oh God is going to teach me something because of this and THEN I'll be even more so a woman of God."

Life is going to be ok. What I must do though is look at it through God's eyes. I truly believe that God hurts when we hurt, but God also sees the big picture. God sees that these trials really are blessings in disguise. And often times, the pain can also be almost a saving grace because it could keep us from going down a road that might have caused more pain had we not experience this trivial little thing at first. 

I really look forward to seeing how God uses all of these tears, emotions, and pain to grow me into the woman of God that He desires for me to become. It isn't something that just God desires but that I also desire for myself! I want to reach the full potential that God might have for me in this life, whatever that may be... Right now that's being single, an elementary education major at Asbury University, desire for missions [especially in Nicaragua], and investing in friendships that will more than likely last a lifetime. I'm gonna be ok with that :)

God has a plan through the tears and uncertainties... He has promised that He won't give me anything that I can't handle. I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me!

Keep on keeping on

This is pretty much how I feel. There is so much surrounding me that I really SHOULD be doing but I get distracted by the littlest... SQUIRREL... things. Dory pretty much is my favorite character right now. She is so carefree, kinda forgetful, and so precious. Yes, she has her own issues but it's the important things that really matter to her! The little things of life can get to her, but when it comes down to it P. Sherman 42 Wallabee Way Sydney is her constant. Just like some of my friends and HOME is a constant for me.
I may not be the brightest cookie in the cookie jar... Actually I'm definitely not, but when I put my mind to something I will accomplish it to the best of my ability cause I know that God has given me the strength to just keep swimming.

God's been trying to teach me a lot. Unfortunately it's been through some pain... Why? That's such a big question that I've been asking. Why, with everything I've gone through already, is THIS happening? Then I realize how selfish of a question that is. Instead I should be asking why NOT me? It is almost a privilege to experience some of these things because God deems me worthy enough to go through trials that will teach me great lessons. I think one of the primary lessons He is trying to get across to me is if I really find Him enough for me. Am I content with JUST Him? Is my happiness and joy found in Him? I'm having to ask myself this on a daily basis. But thankfully God, through it all, is standing there saying "You can do it; you can do it; you can!" This leads me to the picture on the side... No I'm not obsessed with Thomas the train, but I do remember in the little kids movies how all of the kids would start chanting "You can do it; you can do it; you can!" as Thomas was trying to get up the looming hill ahead of him. That's kinda how I feel, except with God on the side holding my hand helping me up. He isn't leaving me out to dry, thankfully! 

I can make it through. Unfortunately it won't be easy... That's what friends and family are for though! Without them I seriously don't know where I'd be. The fact that I have friends that are willing to sit and listen to me cry and talk for hours on end without even making any sense, means the world to me! I just have to trust that God knows back. I just need to keep on keeping on. The things that have transpired can't negatively reflect my relationship with God or anyone else. It should be a learning and growing experience, which I am trying to make it to be! It will all work out. God hasn't left me yet. My dependence and happiness is in Him. Don't ever let me say otherwise. 


Then there's the pain of finals on top of that... Oh the stress that I have to deal with! Thankfully finals in college aren't nearly as big of a deal as in highschool. I have one completely cumulative exam; that's not bad AT ALL. The rest are simply just another test in the class... It's just getting in the mindset of actually studying and taking tests for 4 days in a row that's getting to me. I also have to keep on keeping on in this situation! It'll be over in just a few short days. Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. It can't come soon enough! Then I'm home free and will have absolutely nothing to do over Christmas break! YES. God has gotten me through this semester. And I have so much fun to look forward to coming back and taking FIVE EDUCATION CLASSES!!!!! Just a tad bit excited. Just a tad.


If you've suffered through this blog... Thanks :) Just trying to get some thoughts out. One thing I'm working on is not harboring things inside, I've found it doesn't exactly work to my benefit... God's faithful though, even when my stubbornness and pride can get in the way of acknowledging Him in situations such as this! I'm just not going to worry about it. Worrying doesn't add anything except unpleasantness! I'll keep on keeping on.
"Worry is a burden that God never meant for us to bear."

Power of Prayer

Recently God has revealed to me just how powerful prayer is.

Yes, there have always been those times in life where I'd pray the little "God, can you help me ace this test?" and the next day when I get the test back a big, red A would be stamped on the paper. But I mean... Legitimate, deep things.

Have you ever experienced the thought/feeling that God isn't really listening? That out of all of the people in the world why would He listen to ME? That's kind of how I've felt... There are 6.8 million people out there in the world; what makes me so special that God would take the 2 minutes to listen to my measly prayer?

The answer is simple.

He loves ME.

Yup, He sure does, and that fact just makes me smile.

Back to the beginning though... 

Over the past couple of days I've realized just how much prayer should be a part of my life. Every morning when I wake up that is the first thing that I do. Even if it is simply thanking God for allowing me to wake up for another day... The last thing I do at night is thank Him for His faithfulness throughout the day, as hard or easy it might have been. At random times when I find my insecurities or worries popping up, I'll simply offer up a prayer of surrender and thanks to Him. It's amazing the difference that it makes! I challenge you to try it; just for one day. You'll realize how wonderful of a habit it is though, and keep on doing it... Don't blame me ;)

All of this leads to the main reason for this blog post though... My roommate and I have occasionally prayed together before going to bed. The last time that we did this we prayed about a specific friend who thought he/she was not going to be able to come back to Asbury due to a lack of funds. It is a heartbreaking situation, but we decided to give it to God. Well, last night before bed... Sarah told me that this person had discovered that she is more than likely coming back because the funds were provided! Isn't that just awesome??!??!!?? God is so faithful and just. He tells us to come to Him and He will give us the desires of our heart. 

Now make a note... That' DOESN'T always mean yes. It could be a "no" followed by a "I've got something even better planned for you..." I saw this picture [look above and to the right] on Pintrest the other day and it really got me.

It's so true. I unfortunately cannot control everything... But I am sure thankful that I know someone who CAN and DOES. He controls positively everything about my life. Such a reassuring fact.

Tonight I was really struggling with something... My roommate could just tell I was having a hard time. Needless to say I finally broke down and cried. That's big, because I DON'T cry if I can help it. But as I've quickly learned here at Asbury, it's better to get things out rather than let them boil up inside of me... [My mom will probably be rejoicing over this little statement! She's been telling me that for YEARS! :D] The next thing I knew, Sarah was sitting beside me on our cold, carpeted dorm room floor and just started praying. You can't even imagine the peace that flooded over me. All I simply needed to do was pray. Thank the Lord for Sarah for that reminder and just the sweet act of friendship she displayed by doing that.

I don't know where that situation will go... But it's in God's hands now. I'll let him take care of it. Afterall, who of us can add a day to our lives by worrying? 

Submission

Another mind hitting chapel.
Especially regarding something I've struggled with.

SUBMISSION.
In short, this is giving into something, right? Well in a manner of speaking it is, but it's so much more than that. When I was younger I always heard the phrase "submit to your authorities..." Blah blah blah. I kinda came to resent that phrase. But as I've continued to grow up, I've realized how crucial that really is. God has called us to submit to those older than us. Now that won't necessarily mean we'll enjoy it all the time. Because I mean, be realistic, who enjoys submitting to their parent over an issue that you're convinced you're correct about? Not me. [That could also just be part of my stubbornness.]
This morning, though, the speaker spoke on the Christmas story. Woo-hoo. We hear it all the time; Mary was told she was pregnant; Joseph decided to not divorce her; traveled to Bethlehem to have the baby; Angels appeared to shephards; and lastly JESUS WAS BORN. Yeah! 
Ok but how much of that have we thought about? Mary was TOLD she was pregnant. Can you imagine that? I sure can't. I mean, as much as I want to get married, phew I'm not ready for a kid just about yet. But just think about how much she had to submit with that simple phrase that said "You will be with child from the Holy Spirit." Can't exactly say no to God then.
1. Submission is letting God call the shots.
This is exactly what Mary had to do. Since she grew up in favor of God obviously she learned at a young age the concept of submission, but the real test came when Gabriel showed up to her. Would I do the same? To be honest... Probably not. I think I'd be scared out of my mind and unsure of what to do. But as I've slowly been learning, I just need to submit to God. He's the one who is going to make His plan perfect in and through my life.


1. Submission is an expression of humility.
I think God has been trying to teach me this a lot recently. I've got a lot of pride, and when I say a lot... unfortunately I mean quite a bit. It's something I really need to work on. But see underneath it, is a lot of insecurities and struggles. But with submission comes the diminishing of those because God will honor that. The chapel speaker said something this morning that really struck me... "There are times when I have no control over the circumstances of life this is when we let God be God. He is God. We are not." Wow. So often I just brush aside the fact that God is there. 
It is through my humbleness that God will control all of those happenings that I think might be spinning out of control. With my pride in the way, He just stands back and almost chuckles... He probably thinks to Himself, "Oh that Grace... if only she'd let Me do the work...." Life would just be so much easier.


2. Submission is rooted in the character of God.
If I say that I want to be like God, this blatantly has to be a part of  me. God draws us near to him, but if we don't submit there can't be any drawing near to Him or becoming like Him in His image. Therefore... How can we NOT submit to Him? After all the effects of submission are far greater than the effects of not submitting... We can be blessed, we can reap the rewards of following after Christ.

Submission is so key in my life. Mary has slowly become such an example to me. I want to be the kind of girl that would, at the drop of a hat, say "Yes Lord, I am Your servant." But say it in a way where God initiates it, I am humble, and it draws me closer to God. The kind of girl that is content when there is no boy in the picture... The kind of girl who invests in relationships that will last a lifetime not for my own benefit, but for theirs... The kind of girl who has siblings who look up and want to model her because they see Christ in her... THAT kind of girl.
That picture I had at the beginning? The empty hands? Yeah this is how I should come to God. Open-handed, open-minded, humble... And through that the smallest seed will be sown and eventually bloom into a beautiful flower; which in my life would be God's character evident in everything that I do.