Tears...

I've learned...

It's ok to cry.

It's ok to let those emotions out that have been holding me captive.

It's ok to have emotions play a part in my life.

It's ok to be hurt.

It's ok to be sad.

It's ok to love someone enough to be willing to let them go.

It's ok to trust someone enough to let them know the deep things of life.

It's ok to pour out my heart in anguish to God because He WANTS me to.

It's ok to run to my mom for the love and encouragement she has always provided me with.

It's ok to move on.

Now some of you may be thinking, "Wow. She is just now figuring that out?"

Well the answer is yes... I'm stubborn. If you know me at all, you most definitely have figured that out. That stubbornness leads me down more paths of hurt than it would if I just gave it up. I don't let myself cry. I don't let myself get involved with people to the point that I COULD get hurt. I don't talk to people about what is going on. I don't run to people for help. I don't trust.

Why?

To be quite honest, I'm not 100% sure. There have been those times where my trust has been completely broken. It might just be all of the insecurities about myself though that affect the little things in life. Me... Insecure? Yeah right. Ha, I'm the one who has it all together? I'm the one who has gone on to live a wonderful life with nothing hindering me? Oh I wish... 

Little things people may not know about me:

1. I hide behind people. I don't think I'm good enough to be in a spotlight of any kind.

2. I feel like academically I am not excelling at all... All of my friends got at LEAST a 3.9 GPA and are at college for academic scholarships. At Heritage I struggled to keep a 3.5 GPA. Always at the bottom of the chain, especially comparing myself to friends...

3. I have an awful habit of comparing myself to people. Am I bigger than them? Am I dumber than them? She is so much of a better pianist...vocalist...artist...you name it.

4. I struggle with feeling accepted. I can never tell when things are genuine, which makes me doubt most everything.

But these are all things I see God taking into His hands and saying, "Look Grace, I made YOU. You are beautiful. You are special. You are loved. You are MINE. You are perfect. You are made in MY image. You have gifts that no one else has. You have a brain that functions to play a part in the plan I have for you. You have significance. You have a place in this world. You are YOU and don't be anyone else because that's not who I created you to be."

How awesome is that?

It doesn't mean that those won't be a struggle... It just means that God knows them and He is contradicting each and everyone of them as I allow myself to grow closer to Him. As I continue to trust Him with my life and surrender it completely to Him.

God has stretched and grown me in ways that I can't even have begun to imagine... Even this year, these past few weeks, it's been amazing what happens when I am fully surrendered to God. Yes, there have been more tears than normal, but THAT'S OK! God wants those. He doesn't want me harboring in my pain, wallowing in self-pity. He wants me to experience those things so that I might rely on Him in an even more real way than if I hadn't experienced any of these things. It isn't the pain that is bad, it is the way that I react to it that can be detrimental to myself. I can choose to look at it in a way that says, "Oh God is going to teach me something because of this and THEN I'll be even more so a woman of God."

Life is going to be ok. What I must do though is look at it through God's eyes. I truly believe that God hurts when we hurt, but God also sees the big picture. God sees that these trials really are blessings in disguise. And often times, the pain can also be almost a saving grace because it could keep us from going down a road that might have caused more pain had we not experience this trivial little thing at first. 

I really look forward to seeing how God uses all of these tears, emotions, and pain to grow me into the woman of God that He desires for me to become. It isn't something that just God desires but that I also desire for myself! I want to reach the full potential that God might have for me in this life, whatever that may be... Right now that's being single, an elementary education major at Asbury University, desire for missions [especially in Nicaragua], and investing in friendships that will more than likely last a lifetime. I'm gonna be ok with that :)

God has a plan through the tears and uncertainties... He has promised that He won't give me anything that I can't handle. I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me!