Little Things

Phew I've posted a lot recently... Guess I just have a lot to say. To any of you all who read this on a regular basis, thanks. It boosts my self-esteem a lot ;)


There are a lot of little things that can either make my day.
Things such as...
Waking up to a text that is simply encouraging.
Getting a hug first thing in the morning.
A simple hello from an unexpected friend.
Waving from across Hughes Auditorium.
Saving a seat for me at lunch.
Random hugs throughout the day.
A genuine smile.
Asking how I really am.
Phone calls.
Even things as silly as a facebook wall post.
Teasing, in a kind, gentle manner.
Hearing a song that reminds me of amazing memories.
Hearing a little kid call out "Miss Grace" <3


OR break my day.
Things such as:
Ignoring me.
Walking on by without even uttering a hello.
Shutting down anything that I say.
Making fun of me.
Talking behind my back.
Going on as if I don't exist.


It's through all of these things though I see God. I really think God is teaching me more through getting broken and hurt than if I was going through life as if it was all fine and dandy. Unfortunately it isn't the easiest of things to experience, but when I can say that God is faithful, I KNOW it. 


So all that to say, you never know when you could make or break someones day. Maybe you're in God's plan to brighten their dreary day, or maybe something that you could say could be the little push they need to run back into God's protective arms. I know that staying there will prevent so much pain that I could inflict on myself if I thought I had it all under control. Ha. Because that is about the biggest joke alive. For goodness sake, I've cried more in the last week and a half than probably all of my high school years combined. That alone shows I don't have it all under control. But something that I've really found cool is the fact that God has seen EACH and every one of those tears. He's seen each time I get down or each time I'm hurt. And almost every time He sends someone along or enlightens me with a passage of Scripture to encourage me and give me that little boost of strength I need to keep on going!


"The little things you do to me are taking me over, I wanna show you everything inside of me, oh like a nervous heart that is crazy beating."
Yes this comes from a secular song, but it couldn't be more true about Christ. God sends little blessings in disguise and it just keeps overflowing my heart with a joy that I can't even begin to explain. There are some crazy hard things going on in life right now, yet I can still manage a smile because I know that the little things that God is bringing me through are going to make it so worth it. 

It's the little things that make or break someones day... What are you going to do?

What am I going to do?

Broken

What must it continue to take to end this constant cycle of brokenness?

Is there any joy?

Why me?

Maybe by writing [typing, if we're being technical] will help me sort out these feelings... Sometimes I wonder what my point of being here on earth is, as I'm sure everyone does. What is that awesome plan that God has and how do I fit into it? How does the pain that I experience so often fit into it? Why must I be the one who keeps going through troubles and hardships?
Then I think... Why NOT me?
After all... I live in the wealthiest nations. I live in a good city. I have a family that is in love with each other and Christ. I have friends. I go to a private Christian college. 
God really HAS blessed me. Why can I not focus on those things though?
Instead it's the hardships that I find myself thinking about... For goodness sake, I could probably list things from all the way back in my elementary school days...

• Mrs. Stotts aimed to make my 2nd grade year miserable.
• Caitlyn Allen hated my guts.
• I was accused of faking sick on the swim team.
• Tore my shoulder freshmen year and my swimming career was ended
• Broke up with my first ever boyfriend my sophomore year of high school
• February 14, 2009 is still probably one of the hardest days of my life..
• My last ever choir concert with a talented group of singers was my junior year of high school
• Moved to TN my senior year
• Broke up with my second boyfriend
• Had no friends
• My grandpa [who was my best friend died]
• My sister went to live in Arizona for a total of 6 months because she was practically dying
• Disliked by friends

As I look back though I see all of those things have broken me and scarred me in ways that I couldn't have even imagine. But I've also seen how much God covers those scars. Did you know scars are a good thing? Who would have thought.. But they actually are made up of skin [or whatever other possible stuff if could be made out of] that is tougher than the original skin harmed. The scar provides a barrier in order not to break that same place again. Now I'm not saying that because we have been hurt and a scar has been covered that we'll never struggle with that same thing again. Until I find the man that I am going to marry, I will continue to be hurt by those of the opposite gender. But each time almost gets a little bit easier because God has "toughened me." Protecting my heart is something I do with more vengeance after being hurt more than once. 


How could God have taught me so many of the lessons that I have learned without first breaking me? I mean, I don't think I would be anywhere near the person I am today had it not been for all of those hardships... My patience would probably be no where near as high as it is today. My relational skills would be lacking [which they still are, but they are a work in progress!] My life would have taken a whole different turn. 


Thank God for His faithfulness during the broken times. It's through them that I really can see His work in my life. A lot of people can talk about that big "moment" in their lives when God completely changes their lives and causes them to do a 180 turn. Well... I think I've had a lot of those moments. There are times when I think that I have turned over 360 degrees, but I will just keep spinning and spinning until I'm finally where God has me to be. Never will I reach the stage of perfection, but I will, someday, reach the point of being put back together and being made whole through God.


What is it going to continue to take though to get through all of it? How much more brokenness will I have to endure? 
Honestly... 
I don't know.
I wish that I could say not much more, but I can't put a limit on God. If the only way He is going to completely have my heart is through breaking it little by little till I realize how much I need Him, then that is what it is going to take. I am striving to learn this lesson on a day to day basis because I WANT to want Him. I want to be able to look someone straight in the face and say I can see God's work through my brokenness. 


Now I must look at all of the positive aspects of life, because as terrible as my life may sound, there are so many blessings. The line that always comes to mind is from Laura Story's song, "Blessings." And it goes as follows:

"We pray for blessing... We pray for peace... What if your healing comes through tears? And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

I really do have great friends. My family loves me so much. My sister is healthy. I'm studying Elementary Education at Asbury in order to change children's lives. 

God is faithful.

But a smack in the face is... How often do I say that through the trials?

Tonight, for instance, I was really struggling with something as I was walking back from the cage [this being the lovely place where freshmen park]... How many friends noticed? One. Could I look at her straight in the face and say that God is still good and faithful in this specific situation? Hardly. I wanted to bury my head and cry. Her response was as follows though:

"Focusing on it is just going to make you even more miserable. You cannot let what is happening define you. God is the only man (or person, for that matter) that can do that "

It's so so so so true.

As Rascal Flatts puts it... "I'm moving on, at last I can see that life has been patiently waiting for me. And I know there's no guarantee but I'm not alone." 

I couldn't have said it better myself. At least through the brokenness I don't have to go through it alone. I know there are always physical people [aka my mom, Lynnette, and a few other choice friends at Asbury] that will be there to listen to all of my complaints, tears, and struggles] but most importantly God is there. Seeing it, but also seeing the big picture. He knows what is going to happen and I can almost see the smile on His face as He continues to watch my life play out into the amazing story that it will hopefully be.

Brokenness is hard, and at the time it barely seems like I'm going to get through it. But I know I will. God has promised to NEVER leave or forsake me. I must take refuge in that. 

As I finish up this blog, for those who have read through this whole thing, I ask for prayer. Prayer to continue living my life looking at the blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon me. Prayer that I can see the rainbow at the end of this rainy season. Prayer that I remain faithful to the one who is getting me through all of this. Prayer that I see those around me who care enough to ask and to throw myself into their love and support. Prayer that I can make decisions regarding certain situations that will allow me to let go and move on. Prayer that this broken time will be turned into a healing greater than anything I could even imagine!

Such is life...

There are too many quotes out there that strike an irreversible chord in my heart and mind. To hopefully bless someone out there I have decided to share some of them, as well as the story behind them in my own life. So here goes...

Like I've talked about in previous blogs, I tended to live a lot in the past... But this little quote completely blew my mind. The things that happen affect only as much as I let it, and it can also effect me in a positive OR negative way, it depends on ME. Thankfully I have found friends who encourage me to let go of the things that I need to leave behind me and at the same time those things help define the woman of God I am hoping to become. From this point on, I hope and pray to let everything that happens to me refine me. My mom always said that God puts people through the refiners fire because the end result is so much greater than the original piece put into the flames. It's so true. If it won't make me better, then I will choose to move on and leave it behind me. This includes things such as friendships, boys, books, and anything else that could negatively affect me and the person that I am striving to become!

This REALLY rang true the other day. Satan has been attacking at every single angle; to be honest it's absolutely ridiculous. It's days like these where I am beyond grateful for my God because I wouldn't even want to imagine these times without Him. I know that God's promises are always true and His love never fails. This gives me reason to smile through the pain... Pain from words, actions, or lack-there-of... Understanding comes from knowing that God has a plan through it all... Yes, I may be single at the moment but I understand that's in God's will. Trust doesn't come easily, especially when I have been failed by more than one person, but I do know that God has never left me. Competitiveness is in my blood, therefore I cannot allow Satan the knock me down. I know God has given me the strength to combat him, therefore I WILL.

Whoops... Unfortunately I allow myself to do this on a regular basis. I'm really trying to get better because I know comparing will not do me any good whatsoever! God has made me uniquely the woman that I am supposed to be. He didn't make me to be like Hunter, or Lynnette, or Ellen, or Shelby, or Sarah... He made me to be ME. I should take pride in that. God made man and said that it was VERY good. He still says that because after all how can anything in Him image be less than that? Every time I doubt myself, or compare myself to others, that is comparing God to something way less than perfect. That shouldn't even be acceptable, yet I do it? How does that work?

Something to definitely keep working on...

I hate crying. So incredibly much. I was actually told this week that they wonder if I ever cry, and that they might just slap me if I keep trying to hold back tears while I am around them... As I am slowly learning though, it's better to cry than to hold it all in. Surprisingly I've found that I've "healed" over specific situations quicker than I had ever anticipated because I let it out. Yes, there were times where I was beyond angry but I just cried out to God in my anguish and He took all of those tears, bottled them up, and wrapped me in His arms telling me that He was there. I am human; I have feelings; I will cry; It doesn't make me any weaker of a person. It's a good sign when a baby cries right after it is born because that gives the mother, especially, reassurance that her baby is alright. Crying let's people know that you are going to be alright.

This is kind of how I am looking at my current relationship status... Oh I desire it, with my whole heart, but I know that God has something way better planned and it will make my desires and struggles all the worth while, even if I never do get married. God knows that He is my everything, so really we can't get much better than that, yet we desire it. Isn't that ironic? I think I want a relationship, but am I ready to risk the pain and work to keep it alive and something that will last the rest of my life? It's a bigger commitment than I even realize. God knows that I, emotionally, couldn't handle getting too attached because He knows that there is something even better that is worth all of those emotions and more. 

More than I can even accurately express, I have learned the importance and amazing-ness [yes, I just made up that word] of prayer. It does powerful things, from taking away the hurt and pain to giving me a peace of mind regarding any and every situation... With Satan attacking at every corner, the only thing left for me to do is get on my face before God and beg for His wisdom and strength to get me through because I know without Him I am LITERALLY nothing. Satan is doing everything he can to get me down... and it some aspects it is working... But with the encouraging friends that I have, I've more easily been able to combat him with the promises that I know God has given me. More than once this semester [keep in mind, I've been here for just over a week] I've found myself broken down with tears streaming down my face just crying out to God. I'm thankful for a God who hears and listens. Yes there are times I wish I could get a direct answer... But even if I don't, there's this unearthly peace that surrounds me that lets me know God has it all under His control.

Oh it definitely feels like everything is falling apart... I feel like a broken record, saying the same things over and over again, but I DO know that God has a plan better than what I can say now. I need to get through the trials and the storms and at the end of it will be a beautiful rainbow with more potential and promises that I can even fathom at this point in times. From my point of view it does look like nothing is going from... From friends.... to boys... to academics... to work... But God is up in heaven looking and saying, "My child, I have everything planned. I have since you were born. Why are YOU worrying about something that is completely out of your control?" SO SO SO many times I have heard God saying that to me... Time to listen.

Hopefully some of these are of some encouragement as they have been to me. 
Proverbs 3:5-6 has not left my mind through this whole time of trials...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Clinging onto that promise... TODAY!

Bombarded

[Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again?]

Since yesterday, I have been bombarded with feelings and thoughts of inadequacy and worthlessness and insecurity like none other. Where it is all coming from? I really don't know besides the fact that the Devil is really getting to me. Hardcore.

Feelings of worthlessness... I'm not good enough. I'm not smart. I'm not pretty. I don't have anyone that loves me. I don't have people who understand me. I want to just go home. I can't be a teacher because I don't have the skills to be one. I... I... I...

Even as I write this I see the self-focused nature that Satan inflicts on us in a state of pity and down-troddeness... 

It kills me.

Literally.

What I've been doing is going to be the death of me. Because every single time it comes back to a breaking point... Like I've had tonight. Never have I broken down so quickly. [Guess that's what happens when I hold it in for too long...] Definitely thankful for the friend that walked me back and just gave me her listening ear and a hug. It was such an encouragement. But it still leaves me in the dark and bombarded with thoughts regarding certain situations.

I know the promise that God is always there.

I know God has a wonderful plan for me.

I know that God is waiting with open arms to embrace me as I run to Him in my anguish.

I know that God is BIGGER than the Devil and can override any and all of these feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

I know... I know... I know... 

But do I KNOW?

Sometimes I wonder why there must be so much confusion in order to really run to God? You'd think after a while I'd learn the easy way. But alas.... 

That doesn't mean I haven't been running to Him, but it hasn't been with everything. I'm still in a growing process and relationship with Christ. Daily, He reveals things to me that still need to be surrendered and given up to Him. 

Guess He just felt I needed to be bombarded to really have that happen.

I know things will work out for the better for myself and anyone else involved.

I know that letting God have complete control will heal my wound with love so great that there will be hardly a scar left. Because that love is going to be perfect love, unlike anything that I experience here on earth.

My goal: To combat Satan with the things that I know are truth. Sometimes that might take reassurance from people... But I can't base my worth on that. I need to KNOW for myself that I am God's treasure, whom He loves, whom He died for, whom He listens to, and whom He promises to come back from someday in a way that is more amazing than I can imagine.

I need to be bombarded with TRUTH.

The TRUTH of God.

The one thing that can never ever fail me.

[Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.]

[Your love is extravagant.]

[You love me anyways. It's like nothing in life that I've ever known.] 

[And just a side note for those of you that have finished this... In the course of tonight I have received so many encouraging texts/messages and just plain face-to-face talks. I know for a fact God has placed people in my life for such a time as this. Thank you Lord for knowing what I needed tonight!]

If only...

Side note: In all honesty, I should be going to bed right now with how exhausted I am, but I don't know if I will physically be able to sleep unless I get this off of my chest. So here goes...

If only...
Something that I say to myself on a regular basis.
Why?
Because I tend to live in the past.
Things were good back then, so why not, right?

WRONG.

If that's what I'm doing then how am I progressing any further in my life? How are friendships growing? How am I maturing? How is God becoming more and more my all? How is anything right if I'm always living in the wrong? [meaning living in the "if onlys..."]

If only... I could've gotten straight A's in highschool then I could've gotten a better scholarship.

If only... I would have stayed at Heritage for my senior year.

If only... I had been at Hamilton Hills for another year getting to lead worship for Chi Alpha.

If only... I had dated David.

If only... My grandpa hadn't died.

If only... My sister hadn't been anorexic.

If only... We hadn't moved to Tennessee.

If only... I had made more efforts with friends in Tennessee.

If only... I had practiced the piano more I could be good.

If only... Things hadn't gone sour with a guy.

If only... People would understand me.

IF ONLY...

But you know what? What good is that doing me?

NONE.

Guess it's just taken a lot of those [if only's...] to get to the point of saying [looking forward to...] God can't use me in ways that He wants to if I'm so focused on the past. I can't see the good in what He has planned ahead because I think of all of the bad I've had to go through to get to this point. God hasn't said that life is going to be easy, but He has said that He's going to be with me through the whole thing. And that much has definitely been proven true. I mean what normal person would have stayed with me for the past 19 years when I kept living in the past? I probably drove friends up the wall. 


[Shout out to Lynnette because she really has been with me through thick and thin. Yes, there's been ups and downs, but the fact I can still call her my best friend and know without a shadow of a doubt she loves me for me... Well its SO encouraging.]


Because of me living in my past I probably missed things that God had blatantly in front of me... But yet again, I can't live in the past. I have to know and believe that God has something awesome prepared for me in the future. 
I can guarantee that there will be times where I fail. Where I think about all that COULD HAVE been. I mean, even writing about it right now I think of my last semester of college... There's so many things that I wish would've happened and what could have been but aren't. But what good is that doing in my own heart to dwell on them, because all I can tell right now is it is taking my focus off of where it should be... and that is GOD. Doesn't mean I won't desire it... Because I'll be honest, there are definitely things from last semester that I desire. But I know that GOD is my desire, that He desires me, even if no one here on earth does. How comforting of a fact is that?


Now where exactly has this stemmed from?
I think God's been trying to get me to realize this for a while but it hit HARD at Passion. Beth Moore spoke Tuesday morning and one of the first things that she said was "God has enough strength for however bit or little our problem is. It NEVER ends." Wow. Powerful right there. But then she continues on a new trail of being noticed... That is definitely one of my [if only]'s right there...


If only... People would see me for me.
If only... A guy would like me.
If only... People would try to get to know me.
If only... I could have the encouragement that I need.


But guess what? I am incapable of not receiving those things for God. Alright, double negative. Let's try that again. I am incapable of going unnoticed before God. My biggest need for that healing of [if only] comes from a place that is so private that people don't see. There is a risk for me to reach out to Jesus with it, but I can't just wait around for God to do somehting. I must be the one to reach out and give HIM  my [if only]'s because God is up there saying:


 IF ONLY SHE WOULD SURRENDER.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD TRUST ME.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD REALIZE I'M ENOUGH.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD FIND HER SATISFACTION IN ME.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD REALIZE SHE'S A PRINCESS BECAUSE SHE'S MY DAUGHTER.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD READ MY WORD BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO ENCOURAGE AND TEACH HER.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD SEE THAT I LOVE HER JUST THE WAY SHE IS.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.
IF ONLY SHE COULD SEE WHAT I HAVE IN STORE FOR HER.


Because, you see, the things that God says [if only] to are so significantly greater than the [if only]'s that I have for myself. 


When I see the magnitude of the blessing of God, my heart swells bigger and bigger and it makes the small problems [aka the if only's] the insignificant things that they are.
I know God has used this brokenness in me to launch the arrows of healing, but it's been a matter of being willing to be the target for those arrows. 


As I begin this new journey of living for the future, which let me insert here, that DOES NOT mean I'll be throwing away my life, or wishing it away... It means I will simply let God have His way in directing my path rather than trying to figure it out for myself. I will enjoy the present and simply look forward to the future. But as I was saying, as I begin this new journey, I can't guarantee that there won't be ups and downs. As I'm already discovering being back at Asbury, there are downs. But I do know that with God's help and relying completely on Him I can not dwell on things that could have been, but rather how much greater things WILL be.

[This song so perfectly describes a lot of what I've been dealing with and going through... Such an encouragement. I invite you to listen to it and really take the time to listen to the lyrics. They're SO true.]