Broken

What must it continue to take to end this constant cycle of brokenness?

Is there any joy?

Why me?

Maybe by writing [typing, if we're being technical] will help me sort out these feelings... Sometimes I wonder what my point of being here on earth is, as I'm sure everyone does. What is that awesome plan that God has and how do I fit into it? How does the pain that I experience so often fit into it? Why must I be the one who keeps going through troubles and hardships?
Then I think... Why NOT me?
After all... I live in the wealthiest nations. I live in a good city. I have a family that is in love with each other and Christ. I have friends. I go to a private Christian college. 
God really HAS blessed me. Why can I not focus on those things though?
Instead it's the hardships that I find myself thinking about... For goodness sake, I could probably list things from all the way back in my elementary school days...

• Mrs. Stotts aimed to make my 2nd grade year miserable.
• Caitlyn Allen hated my guts.
• I was accused of faking sick on the swim team.
• Tore my shoulder freshmen year and my swimming career was ended
• Broke up with my first ever boyfriend my sophomore year of high school
• February 14, 2009 is still probably one of the hardest days of my life..
• My last ever choir concert with a talented group of singers was my junior year of high school
• Moved to TN my senior year
• Broke up with my second boyfriend
• Had no friends
• My grandpa [who was my best friend died]
• My sister went to live in Arizona for a total of 6 months because she was practically dying
• Disliked by friends

As I look back though I see all of those things have broken me and scarred me in ways that I couldn't have even imagine. But I've also seen how much God covers those scars. Did you know scars are a good thing? Who would have thought.. But they actually are made up of skin [or whatever other possible stuff if could be made out of] that is tougher than the original skin harmed. The scar provides a barrier in order not to break that same place again. Now I'm not saying that because we have been hurt and a scar has been covered that we'll never struggle with that same thing again. Until I find the man that I am going to marry, I will continue to be hurt by those of the opposite gender. But each time almost gets a little bit easier because God has "toughened me." Protecting my heart is something I do with more vengeance after being hurt more than once. 


How could God have taught me so many of the lessons that I have learned without first breaking me? I mean, I don't think I would be anywhere near the person I am today had it not been for all of those hardships... My patience would probably be no where near as high as it is today. My relational skills would be lacking [which they still are, but they are a work in progress!] My life would have taken a whole different turn. 


Thank God for His faithfulness during the broken times. It's through them that I really can see His work in my life. A lot of people can talk about that big "moment" in their lives when God completely changes their lives and causes them to do a 180 turn. Well... I think I've had a lot of those moments. There are times when I think that I have turned over 360 degrees, but I will just keep spinning and spinning until I'm finally where God has me to be. Never will I reach the stage of perfection, but I will, someday, reach the point of being put back together and being made whole through God.


What is it going to continue to take though to get through all of it? How much more brokenness will I have to endure? 
Honestly... 
I don't know.
I wish that I could say not much more, but I can't put a limit on God. If the only way He is going to completely have my heart is through breaking it little by little till I realize how much I need Him, then that is what it is going to take. I am striving to learn this lesson on a day to day basis because I WANT to want Him. I want to be able to look someone straight in the face and say I can see God's work through my brokenness. 


Now I must look at all of the positive aspects of life, because as terrible as my life may sound, there are so many blessings. The line that always comes to mind is from Laura Story's song, "Blessings." And it goes as follows:

"We pray for blessing... We pray for peace... What if your healing comes through tears? And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

I really do have great friends. My family loves me so much. My sister is healthy. I'm studying Elementary Education at Asbury in order to change children's lives. 

God is faithful.

But a smack in the face is... How often do I say that through the trials?

Tonight, for instance, I was really struggling with something as I was walking back from the cage [this being the lovely place where freshmen park]... How many friends noticed? One. Could I look at her straight in the face and say that God is still good and faithful in this specific situation? Hardly. I wanted to bury my head and cry. Her response was as follows though:

"Focusing on it is just going to make you even more miserable. You cannot let what is happening define you. God is the only man (or person, for that matter) that can do that "

It's so so so so true.

As Rascal Flatts puts it... "I'm moving on, at last I can see that life has been patiently waiting for me. And I know there's no guarantee but I'm not alone." 

I couldn't have said it better myself. At least through the brokenness I don't have to go through it alone. I know there are always physical people [aka my mom, Lynnette, and a few other choice friends at Asbury] that will be there to listen to all of my complaints, tears, and struggles] but most importantly God is there. Seeing it, but also seeing the big picture. He knows what is going to happen and I can almost see the smile on His face as He continues to watch my life play out into the amazing story that it will hopefully be.

Brokenness is hard, and at the time it barely seems like I'm going to get through it. But I know I will. God has promised to NEVER leave or forsake me. I must take refuge in that. 

As I finish up this blog, for those who have read through this whole thing, I ask for prayer. Prayer to continue living my life looking at the blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon me. Prayer that I can see the rainbow at the end of this rainy season. Prayer that I remain faithful to the one who is getting me through all of this. Prayer that I see those around me who care enough to ask and to throw myself into their love and support. Prayer that I can make decisions regarding certain situations that will allow me to let go and move on. Prayer that this broken time will be turned into a healing greater than anything I could even imagine!