If only...

Side note: In all honesty, I should be going to bed right now with how exhausted I am, but I don't know if I will physically be able to sleep unless I get this off of my chest. So here goes...

If only...
Something that I say to myself on a regular basis.
Why?
Because I tend to live in the past.
Things were good back then, so why not, right?

WRONG.

If that's what I'm doing then how am I progressing any further in my life? How are friendships growing? How am I maturing? How is God becoming more and more my all? How is anything right if I'm always living in the wrong? [meaning living in the "if onlys..."]

If only... I could've gotten straight A's in highschool then I could've gotten a better scholarship.

If only... I would have stayed at Heritage for my senior year.

If only... I had been at Hamilton Hills for another year getting to lead worship for Chi Alpha.

If only... I had dated David.

If only... My grandpa hadn't died.

If only... My sister hadn't been anorexic.

If only... We hadn't moved to Tennessee.

If only... I had made more efforts with friends in Tennessee.

If only... I had practiced the piano more I could be good.

If only... Things hadn't gone sour with a guy.

If only... People would understand me.

IF ONLY...

But you know what? What good is that doing me?

NONE.

Guess it's just taken a lot of those [if only's...] to get to the point of saying [looking forward to...] God can't use me in ways that He wants to if I'm so focused on the past. I can't see the good in what He has planned ahead because I think of all of the bad I've had to go through to get to this point. God hasn't said that life is going to be easy, but He has said that He's going to be with me through the whole thing. And that much has definitely been proven true. I mean what normal person would have stayed with me for the past 19 years when I kept living in the past? I probably drove friends up the wall. 


[Shout out to Lynnette because she really has been with me through thick and thin. Yes, there's been ups and downs, but the fact I can still call her my best friend and know without a shadow of a doubt she loves me for me... Well its SO encouraging.]


Because of me living in my past I probably missed things that God had blatantly in front of me... But yet again, I can't live in the past. I have to know and believe that God has something awesome prepared for me in the future. 
I can guarantee that there will be times where I fail. Where I think about all that COULD HAVE been. I mean, even writing about it right now I think of my last semester of college... There's so many things that I wish would've happened and what could have been but aren't. But what good is that doing in my own heart to dwell on them, because all I can tell right now is it is taking my focus off of where it should be... and that is GOD. Doesn't mean I won't desire it... Because I'll be honest, there are definitely things from last semester that I desire. But I know that GOD is my desire, that He desires me, even if no one here on earth does. How comforting of a fact is that?


Now where exactly has this stemmed from?
I think God's been trying to get me to realize this for a while but it hit HARD at Passion. Beth Moore spoke Tuesday morning and one of the first things that she said was "God has enough strength for however bit or little our problem is. It NEVER ends." Wow. Powerful right there. But then she continues on a new trail of being noticed... That is definitely one of my [if only]'s right there...


If only... People would see me for me.
If only... A guy would like me.
If only... People would try to get to know me.
If only... I could have the encouragement that I need.


But guess what? I am incapable of not receiving those things for God. Alright, double negative. Let's try that again. I am incapable of going unnoticed before God. My biggest need for that healing of [if only] comes from a place that is so private that people don't see. There is a risk for me to reach out to Jesus with it, but I can't just wait around for God to do somehting. I must be the one to reach out and give HIM  my [if only]'s because God is up there saying:


 IF ONLY SHE WOULD SURRENDER.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD TRUST ME.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD REALIZE I'M ENOUGH.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD FIND HER SATISFACTION IN ME.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD REALIZE SHE'S A PRINCESS BECAUSE SHE'S MY DAUGHTER.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD READ MY WORD BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO ENCOURAGE AND TEACH HER.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD SEE THAT I LOVE HER JUST THE WAY SHE IS.
IF ONLY SHE WOULD STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.
IF ONLY SHE COULD SEE WHAT I HAVE IN STORE FOR HER.


Because, you see, the things that God says [if only] to are so significantly greater than the [if only]'s that I have for myself. 


When I see the magnitude of the blessing of God, my heart swells bigger and bigger and it makes the small problems [aka the if only's] the insignificant things that they are.
I know God has used this brokenness in me to launch the arrows of healing, but it's been a matter of being willing to be the target for those arrows. 


As I begin this new journey of living for the future, which let me insert here, that DOES NOT mean I'll be throwing away my life, or wishing it away... It means I will simply let God have His way in directing my path rather than trying to figure it out for myself. I will enjoy the present and simply look forward to the future. But as I was saying, as I begin this new journey, I can't guarantee that there won't be ups and downs. As I'm already discovering being back at Asbury, there are downs. But I do know that with God's help and relying completely on Him I can not dwell on things that could have been, but rather how much greater things WILL be.

[This song so perfectly describes a lot of what I've been dealing with and going through... Such an encouragement. I invite you to listen to it and really take the time to listen to the lyrics. They're SO true.]