Eucharisteo

Through reading the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, I have been challenged daily to see the small things in life as things to be grateful for.
Now for those that don't know the meaning behind the word eucharisteo, let me explain it to you.
It literally means, "he gave thanks." The root of the eucharisteo is charis, which means grace. It also has the derivative from the Greek word chara, meaning job.
Grace and joy. Found in the center of our lives.
Pure, unadulterated joy.
The crux of who we should be in Christ.
Remember and give thanks.
It's not just the one day a year when we all sit around the table proclaiming all of the things we are thankful for... No, it's who we become. Every single day.

But on Thanksgiving, I thought it appropriate to make a [very condensed] list of some things that I am thankful for throughout this past year. God has been so, so good, and sometimes it takes me a little bit to step back and see it all, but when I do, so much joy fills my heart because of the grace He has offered me time and time again.

Some moments of eucharisteo have been in...

• Safety when the future is unknown
• Strength with it feels like I can't make it through another day
• Technology to be blessed by the presence of those I don't see daily
• Friendships that stick like glue, even when I don't deserve it
• Words of truth that hurt, but grow
• Surprise trips that become more of a blessing for you than anyone else
• Faithfully being supported to follow the missions heart God has given me
• Applying to teach overseas and, by grace, being accepted!!
• Books, books, books that bring so much joy and relaxation
• Scarves that offer fashion AND warmth
• Sparkling, crisp, fresh snow to take adorable pictures in (and sled, of course!)
• School, even when it is overwhelming
• Knowing that in a year I will be graduated, and that God holds the future
• Health, whether from a cold or disease
• Precious girls who have become my daily source of encouragement and love
• Letters that brighten my day
• Family to come home to whenever I need extra loving
• Actors that can bring well-anticipated books to life
• Affirmation in my calling as a teacher
• Food that fills me (even if sometimes it is from the caf...)

and lastly, but certainly not least

• the faithfulness of God through every single moment of the day

Join me in remembering the little things that sometimes can be taken for granted, yet are still blessings in disguise.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Questions

Until this past week, I have never ONCE doubted my gifts, talents, and desires that God has given me.

Until this past week, I have wanted to be a first grade teacher.

Until this past week, I have been fairly confident in my teaching abilities.

Until this past week, I have been so excited to teach.

UNTIL THIS PAST WEEK.

Planning lessons, implementing them in the classroom, giving tests, and simply watching students grow all seem to be pretty cut, dry, and simple. Well, at least, that's what I thought. Never before did I realize the amount of work, thought, time, effort, tears, and love that go into EACH AND EVERY lesson that a teacher gives. And I truly thought that I wasn't cut out to do it.

Monday was hard... I realized that I have to teach my 3-day mini unit on Christopher Columbus next week and really had no idea how I was going to do that. And let me just say... teaching this to 6 and 7 year olds is quite the task. It's so abstract. This guy, who died WAY before they were even thought of, sailed over the ocean (wait... what's an ocean? Oh yeah, that big blue thing in between the green things on a map.) and landed somewhere close to America (although, my world has been thrown upside down as I have realized that Columbus actually DIDN'T find America... or anywhere close to it.... and actually sold slaves and did all this awful stuff... needless to say, I WON'T be informing my first graders of that. They will still get the pretty picture of "Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492!") and basically is credited to be the founder of the United States of America. How in the WORLD was I going to make that relatable to kids? First graders can't memorize the names of the ships, countries, queens and kings, and all that other jazz that goes along with Columbus. Plus, why do they even care? All they care about is what they are going to get as a snack or reward for good behavior, much less who came to American first. Psh, there's NO WAY that they would even understand what I was talking about.

So I was lost.

Completely and utterly lost.

My break down occurred with LOTS of tears and deciding I wasn't meant to be a teacher. (Although, I don't know where I would have gone with that had I continued to believe that.....)

But God is always good to lead me to verses that speak truth.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."

(1 Peter 4:11)

"Consider ir pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

(James 1:2-4)

"Continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it."

(2 Timothy 3:14)

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

(Philippians 3:12,14)

I'm not going to be perfect the first time I create, plan, write, and teach a lesson plan. And I think that's where so many of my doubts and questions came in because I hold myself to the standard that I must present it in a perfect way otherwise I'll never pass, or never make a good teacher, you get the point... Plus, it's NOT MY STRENGTH that can do it. I was simply trying to do it all on my own. Didn't really ask for advice or help because that would show that I'm weak and that I don't really know what I'm doing... WRONG. I've learned that showing weaknesses, really means growing in those areas because then you are able to be encouraged and shown different ideas that have worked and that will really enhance your lesson plan in the first place.

So needless to say, this week has been a trial. And unfortunately, at the beginning I failed. I wasn't confident in the passion and talent that God has given me. I [almost] didn't continue to persevere because I didn't think I had the strength to.

But my God is a God of second chances (and thankfully my professors are too!) and I've learned that practice and questions really make a teacher. I had previously learned that, but now that I've actually implemented that in my own life, I see it even more clearly. Now I'm persevering through this because I know the outcome will be incredible because I am more confident in my skills God has given me. I know that God has me in my first grade classroom and Brookside Elementary School to make a difference. And while maybe not all of the results that I see are what I want, I know that I'm still pressing on and my rewards might simply be eternal.

I know now though that God has given me this gift and there is nothing that can stop me from pursuing it to the best of my ability, because in the end, it will be the most rewarding job in the world. 

And the next adventure is to...

AFRICA!

Isaiah 6:8-- "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Holy moly, y'all, I'm going to Africa! Words cannot even begin to express my excitement. But let me start at the beginning...

Seven years ago, a missionary from Ethiopia came to Hamilton Hills and she ate dinner with us one night (she possibly stayed at our house, but I don't quite remember... 7 years is a long time ago.) and began telling us stories of her ministry in Africa. From that day forward, I have wanted nothing more than to go serve those precious people! For 7 years though, God hasn't opened that door. Instead I have gotten the chance to fall in love with Nicaragua and the people there, serve in Believe, minister in NYC and Indianapolis with Chi Alpha, and travel to England with my family! All of those I would not trade one minute of. God has specifically shaped me with those trips to lead me to this day...

For weeks now I had been praying about going back to Nicaragua this year. Last year was amazing. I have made life-long friends and impacts that I want to continue, but I just didn't feel that peace about going and missing a whole week of classes since it will be my last semester at Asbury. Out of the blue, I was on Facebook and saw a post from a friend, who actually has gone to Nicaragua numerous times, that she was taking a trip to Uganda from December 30-January11. Immediately I responded saying I wanted to go, but then I thought nothing more of it. A couple days later, she messaged me and said, "I don't know how serious you are about going to Uganda, but I'd LOVE for you to come!" So I just knew I had to start praying. It seemed like a closed door though because school typically starts around the 5th or 6th of January, and missing the first week of the semester seemed like an even more terrible idea than in the middle of the semester. So I kinda prayed, but figured it wasn't going to happen.... Little did I know that while talking to my mom and a friend of hers, my mom revealed that school wasn't starting until January 13th this year!

WHAT?!?

Alrighty then... LETS DO THIS THING is pretty much exactly what went through my head. A couple days passed before I really felt a peace and as of Thursday, I signed up to go to Uganda! 

It's amazing how God can open doors even when I didn't have enough trust in Him to do so. I truly did not think it was going to work out and I had resorted to thinking that I was going to go yet another year without going to Africa. Oh-h, but God has different plans! 

So my adventure will continue as I head to Africa from December 30, 2013-January 11, 1993 (Plus... I get to celebrate my 21st birthday on our way back... How cool is that?!? I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than showing Jesus to those precious children.) 

As time continues, I'll be writing more about what I will be doing, fundraising (I'm thinking of selling customized t-shirts-- thoughts??), and how you can pray for me and the team! 

I'm so looking forward to this next adventure God has for me! 

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

[Matthew 4:14-16]

Wait Actively.

The phrase, "Wait patiently and it will come to you..." has been thrown around like it's no big deal. As if by sitting around, not doing anything, whatever we would like will just fall from the sky and land in our lap.
Yeah right.

More and more, the realization has come that the more I just do nothing, the more nothing will happen. Sure, there are plenty of things that I would like that will require patience. Unfortunately money and husbands don't grow on trees. But if I just sit around the house all day in my pajamas, eating popcorn and cookies, and watching the latest TV show on Netflix, those things (and many more) STILL won't come around.

In my devotions I've been reading through the books of Isaiah, Zechariah, and John, and I'm seeing things I had NEVER seen before. It's awesome. But for the past two weeks, I have seen a similar theme of waiting. But God doesn't tell us to wait around, pondering when it's going to happen. Because when we do that, we can tend to fall into a rut of thinking that we are being patient, when in reality, we are wondering each and every day when it's going to happen.

It's honestly not the waiting that's the problem... It's the patience IN the waiting that can be the issue.

What does patience really look like?

"Be still before the Lord, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling."

Zechariah 2:13

"I will refine them like silver and test them like god. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The Lord is our God.'"

Zechariah 13:9

"All that the Father gives me will come to me..."

John 6:37a

"The reason my father loves me is that I lay down my life--only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord."

John 10:17-18

"But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask."

John 11:22

"Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts."

Isaiah 26:8

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

I can't say it better (obviously.) When we take the time to actively get in the Word of God, it's amazing the truths that are given. And in those truths, we can find the true meaning and portrayal of patience. For goodness sake, the people of Israel had to wait for a lot of stuff simply because they wouldn't listen, or they didn't want to do what they were told because they thought by waiting things could get better.

I've found it's so much better to get involved doing something rather than sitting around waiting. It doesn't meant that it's easier... Trust me, I have so many friends going out to live on their own, in their careers, getting married, that it makes my life still look insignificant. But I know that in this period of "waiting" for me, I CAN do so much more than I think. I still have opportunities to make a difference in my waiting. But that's only if I actually do something about it. Things aren't just going to be brought to me, because if that's the case, it can bring on laziness and apathy. But the reward comes in knowing that I did everything I could to make the wait productive and worth while because in the end... the wait will finally end.

It's not forever... Thank the Lord!.. It's only a period. But I urge you, as I do myself, don't sit around waiting for the "wait" to end... Be patient by resting in the Lord and still doing what He is urging you to do and putting in your life. Don't be afraid to step out while waiting... You never know the amazing things that might happen during the wait if you do that.

Opportunities

Today I was a full-time mom.
Literally.

I had both girls in the morning, but their aunt came and picked up the youngest to go take her out for the day and then to spend the night! So Anna and I decided we would have some fun of our own, which started out jamming to some Disney music on the way to my house. Following that started the "mom" part of the day...

We made some lunch (complete with mac & cheese, watermelon, plums, and potato chips!) and had a mostly chill afternoon. I found myself making sure she was alright and asking if she needed anything on a regular basis.. It really was fun! We watched a movie and then I had the opportunity to make homemade cookies with her for the FIRST time. Now you have to understand something... I have been making cookies since before I can remember, and always (well, almost) from scratch. But Anna, at 8 years old, has never made homemade cookies! Needless to say, lots of fun was involved as we scraped off the flour to make sure it was just perfectly 1c. and pouring in (a little too much) vanilla! She really enjoyed it and it was so fun for me to experience it all over again through the eyes of someone who had never done it. Sometimes the things we take for granted the most are things that others haven't had the opportunity to experience... And I found so much joy in sharing that wonderful past time of mine!

After that we watched another movie (it was pouring, and I mean literally pouring and dumping rain all afternoon) and then I had another "mom" opportunity of teaching her how to correctly set a table. Talk about stressful... I had to make sure I remember everything my mom and grandma's have ever taught me, but she picked up super quick and before I knew it, she was setting the whole table! Proud mama moment right there. Who would've thought that a simple thing like seeing someone you love and are building into accomplish a huge task like learning to set the table would bring so much joy!

She has also learned (very quickly, might I add) that whenever I'm around at least, she needs to clear her dishes when she is done because it's a big help to me (and whoever might be cooking!) It's so awesome to see how much I've been able to build into her little life in just the week and a half I've nannied her (and Ella!).

AH- but here comes probably the most amazing part of the day... We came upstairs so I could change my clothes to go on the walk and she noticed the books laying by my bed and she decided to organize/look at them! As she was, my Bible fell open and she made the comment, "Oh, I've always wanted a Bible." I responded quickly, "You don't have one of your own?" She doesn't, so giddy inside, I opened my closet door and found a Bible that I had used through elementary and middle school (still in fantastic condition) and got down on my knees and said, "Anna, I want you to have this Bible. It's completely yours. I even have some stuff underlined in here that's really important and things that can help you if you get scared, etc..." The smile on her face is something I will never erase from my memory. So beautiful. So precious. So open! And she started reading it (there are some cute short "lessons" in there that are easy "kid-reading") and she said, "Woah, this is really awesome!" My heart is so happy.

After dinner, we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood, and I couldn't help but imagine that someday I'll be doing something like that with my own daughter. Walking around, holding hands, chasing after the dog (yes... Sparky made a special appearance on this walk-ha!), and just talking about everything under the sun. She is so full of questions- I love it! Then we got back and it was story time before bed... Can I just say that is probably my favorite part about babysitting? I adore story time. Having the kids all cuddled up around you, listening with rapture the story that you are reading... Ah- priceless. Well we cuddled up and read the first couple chapters of a series by Barbara Davoll and then it was time for bed. At first she was a little scared, but after I was rubbing her back for a while I could feel her relax, but then someone would make a sound downstairs and the fear would come back. So she asked me if I ever had bad dreams... Answering her I eased her fears saying that I did sometimes, but then I told her what I did if I had a bad dream, which is pray that God would take my thoughts back to happy thoughts and what she replied is etched in my heart for forever... "I wish I could be like you." Oh sweet girl, you can. I had the neat opportunity to take her hands and tell her that Jesus was watching over her just like he was me, and then I asked if we can pray that Jesus would make her dreams happy and special tonight and she immediately grabbed my hands and said, "YES!" Nothing could have made my heart happier to end my day.

Being a "mom" isn't always easy... Sometimes stressful and overwhelming because you have to look out for someone on a minute-to-minute basis and they truly are completely dependent on you. But as a "mom" so so so many opportunities arrive to be kind, patient, loving, teaching, and molding to shine the light of Jesus to our kids. Today was one of those amazing "mom days..."
And I truly look forward to more of these opportunities.
My heart is filled with joy.

Making a Difference

*I'll preface with sorry that it's kinda long... God's really put it on my heart on how to make a difference and I couldn't help but share it all*

Whether it's physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, inwardly, or outwardly, we have the opportunity to make a difference every single day. And this is something I've been learning thus far this summer.

It's the small things that make the biggest different and all it takes is a little motivation, determination, and prayer.

Physically: I've found that by simply setting my alarm at 5:45am (with a little message that goes something like, "Get off your butt and go running!") that I am way more motivated to run my 3-mile neighborhood, thus making a difference in my physical body. Not that I enjoy it, because surely to heaven I HATE running, but I know that in the long run I'll thank myself for having the motivation and determination to do it faithfully. After all, God tells us, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." [1 Corinthians 6:19-20] Even if it means doing something I truly despise doing, it is because I truly want to honor God with my appearance and the way I take care of my body that I am WILLING to do it. Another verse that has made an impact on my heart as I am on this 'running journey' is Hebrews 11:11- "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." *Side note: I realize that this verse is talking about discipline of a father to son/daughter and how that is the role of my parents in my life, and I am in no way trying to twist the words, just applying them to a different situation.* Running sure isn't pleasant, rather quite painful as my calves burn just with the thought of running up and down the hills in my neighborhood, but I truly know I am becoming a better person because I am making an effort to make it a habit. I want it to make a difference in my life... Because God has made a difference in my life.

Mentally: Every day I have to get up with the reminder that I am dead until I acknowledge Christ's work in my life and that only through Him can I make it through the day. My days are challenging, especially dealing with two little girls who can give me a run for my money. I constantly have to be ready with new activities to do in case of boredom, or a response if one of the girls starts whining. It's exhausting and sometimes overwhelming. (I don't think I'm as ready to be a mom as I would like to be, ha!) But because I begin my day setting my eyes on Christ, I know I can get through it. "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." [1 Peter 1:13] It's making a difference in my day to start out acknowledging the one who is giving me the strength to get through the day... And I want to continue making this difference in my life... Because God has made a difference in my life.

Spiritually: Since January 7, I have journaled and gotten into the Word every single day (save 2; 1 because I was dying [that may or may not be exaggerated...] in Nicaragua so I took some meds that...um... knocked me out; and 2 because I was out until 3 in the morning and ended up doing it first thing in the morning... I digress] and it truly has made such a difference in how I see God working in my life, those around me, and in my heart especially. It's unbelievable the truths God can reveal when I'm willing to set aside those 30 minutes every night to get closer to Him. "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." [Jeremiah 6:16] This verse couldn't be more true of my walk with God. Each day I ask Him to reveal Himself in a bigger way to me, and in the process He is revealing parts of me that need changing, growing, stretching, and maturing, but all the while in a way that is leading me on the path that He has designed for my life. I so long for it to continue to make a difference in my life... Because God has made a difference in my life.

Emotionally: God knows everything. Absolutely, positively everything that I think, say, do, etc... It's almost intimidating. But because I have accepted this fact, I know that my heart can rest in His hands. "'Am I only a God nearby,' declares the Lord, 'and not a God far away? Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?' declares the Lord." [Jeremiah 23:24] Because I cannot hide from Him, I have that ability to rely fully on Him for everything that I am dealing with. I don't have to go through it alone, nor do I have to hold it in. I have found that when I take the time to write out my frustrations, fears, and struggles, God surrounds me with this overwhelming large sense of peace that He has it under control if I would just let Him. I want to continue to make a difference... Because God has made a difference in my life.

As I go throughout the summer, I get the opportunity to work with 2 precious little girls who soak up everything that I tell them. I want to make a difference in their lives so that they might be pointed towards Christ. Already I can see a difference in them, as they ask questions about God and Heaven- what an encouragement, and I'm only a week into nannying! But first I must strive to be completely the woman God wants me to be for them to see the potential they could be and see God through it all!

Wherever you are...might be...are doing...are struggling with... are aiming for... YOU can make a difference... Because God has made a difference in our lives.

"Remember me with favor, O my God." [Nehemiah 13:31b]

Go.

Coming to Asbury, I knew God was going to do big things in my life. I just didn't know what. After all, I had my 10-year plan which included graduating college, marriage, children, and teaching at a private Christian school in the United States. And all of this at some point in time sounds positively grand. But more and more I've felt a restlessness. Like all of that isn't enough.

And now... Now I'm starting to see the picture as to why it isn't.

Since 7th grade, I have had a love for the country of Nicaragua. Most people know that. And it's only grown deeper and deeper as time as progressed. I went back again this past March, and oh, how my heart longs to go back already. Those precious children... They just work their way into your heart and there is positively no way you can stop it (nor should you try!) And it's through that trip that I truly, truly realized... I want to teach overseas.

In the past, I've said that I want to go overseas for short periods of time... Ya know, preach the good new of Jesus, etc... But this... This is a passion to go show the love of my Christ to those precious children through education. Door after door has opened in the past year or so to talk with people who have had that experience of teaching or living overseas, and after a while it was like God hit me over the head with a 2 by 4 saying, "DUH. Grace, THIS is what I have for you."

THIS being a love for children who do not take education for granted... THIS being a passion to be a light of Christ in a foreign place... THIS being a desire to see the world God has so graciously placed me in... THIS being a desire to teach.
Not that children in the United States are any less lovable or and less of learners, but there is just something about being given an opportunity to GO. I mean... God calls us to "GO." Not, sit on your butts and be content where you're at. No, it means stretching. Actually doing something. And you know what, not all people are called out of the country. After all, if everyone was called out of the country, what would happen here?!? That could be a problem... But for those, they see "here" as their mission field, their place to make a mark. And eventually, I can also see that being a place where I would love to make an impact. Clearly God has put me in the United States for a reason and I cannot blow that off. But for the time being... His command of, "GO" means somewhere else.

And since realizing this call on my life, there has been an uncanny amount of peace in my heart. I still do not know where God is calling me... It could be from anywhere to right down the road in Mexico to Timbuktu. (Although in more realistic terms, I am applying to teach in Croatia, New Zealand and Nicaragua.) But I am getting more excited to see and experience the joys of another culture. The opportunities to grow and learn are endless and daily more doors open for me to further that.

So welcome... into my journey of discovering where God is having me "GO" and further His kingdom as I rest in the peace that He has given me through giving up my restlessness to Him.

Control Freak: Me?

[Warning: This is going to be very much "me." No buttering it up, just simply my heart after lessons learned in Nicaragua.]

From the get-go, I knew that God was going to teach me a big lesson in Nicaragua, but at the time I had no idea what that lesson could be. Even looking back through journal entires leading up to the trip, I can see that "control" was going to be a theme, but I did not really realize that until I got down to Nicaragua. So much of it was "I did..." or "I accomplished.." or "God help me because I..." and then I made the huge statement in my prayer the night before I left, "Open my heart to what You want to teach me."

 [Note to everyone: if you pray that, you probably should be prepared for what God is going to do.]

So going down there, I had this perfect plan. Literally. Maybe it was the teacher in me, but I couldn't go down there without extra copies of the lessons, that had been gone through--line-by-line-- and organized by day, as well as crafts, coloring books, and other supplies galore! It could not have been more wonderful. Then, even more of a God thing, EVERYONE on the team brought something to contribute to the children ministry, so we were well beyond blessed with supplies! Everything was picturesque. Then we went to the building which we were holding the VBS in, and it was beautiful. Again, picturesque.

The first day could not have gone more wonderfully. But that's when I started realizing how NOT in control I was.

[Now, I'm going to take a minute to divert from Nicaragua for a minute. Most of you that know me, know that I do like to be in control, that really is no secret. Not necessarily in things such as relationships, because you also know that I am the most indecisive person ever. But in other things, such as plans, life, and even sometimes friendships. I can blame it all I want on the teacher in me, but it is still something that God has been working on me with. As much as I would like there not to be, there are going to be things that are out of my control. That I can't help. At all. But sometimes, the stubbornness in me will refuse to acknowledge that. I want to think that I have it all under control, because after all, with how I planned it, it should be PERFECT, right? Well just wait to see how it plays out...]

That night as I journaled I wrote something that I don't even think I realized that I wrote until I got home and was reading through it...

"I so wish I could speak Spanish fluenty. It would make things a lot easier, though I guess that is part of God growing me! I can't control everything nor do I have the answers to everything, which I won't like has been difficult. I'm so used to being in charge, and I know I'm not. At all."

There is no way that was anyone but God working in my heart as I read that. Because little did I know that the next day, I was about to be hit with something so hard that I couldn't function. Literally.

Around lunch time, I began to feel a little dizzy, but didn't think much of it because I was drinking (4 liters of water that day, as a matter of fact!) a lot. But by the end of VBS that afternoon, I knew something was wrong. I started getting dizzy and seeing spots. [and most normal, not control freaks would have sat down and realized that they needed to talk to a doctor] but not me... I continued on until I almost passed out. I got some NASTY electrolyte stuff, as well as a not-quite-tasty granola bar to hopefully get my blood sugars back up, but to no avail. I was hit with THE worst migraine of my life. I couldn't walk, talk, or function without wanting to die. I even prayed, "God, I think I'm ready. If you take me, at least it would be in a place that I consider home." 

Thankfully, God knew it wasn't my time, and I eventually realized that too, even though at some points I really was questioning God's timing! 

The next day I was completely disengaged from doing anything. I could still barely standing up without wanting to throw up and/or wanting to just go meet Jesus. But of course, being stubborn, I didn't want to stay at the hotel by myself all day, so I decided to go to the clinic. Of course to do nothing all day... Well at least that's what I told myself. FINALLY, I had some people speak to me in a frank, but loving way, saying that I legitimately needed to do nothing so that I could participate in the rest of the week. At first, I wasn't happy, I won't lie. I hate sitting around doing nothing all day, but my head (and my life) very much thanked them for that. But that day was one of the days I was blessed most. Since I was sick, they made me drink TWICE as much water as I had been, so like 6 liters later, my bladder was about to explode. Thankfully as this point I had gotten to the point where I could stand up and not want to die. So I was headed to the squatties [which were a beautiful experience, in and of themselves...] and two of my little kids spotted me. At first, I was super hesitant because I still didn't know how I would make it to the bathroom without passing out. But they grabbed my hands, and it was like through their touch, God gave me strength. They both were like, "Hola! Hola! Como estas?" and then I still don't know how I understood this, and I can't even say it in Spanish, but they were like, "We missed you and were praying for you. Please come back." 

Oh how my heart broke. When I'm not in control, God moved my heart. 

I realized those little kids know the definition of love and show it unconditionally when I was not in control. They realized that, and it was through their precious, innocent words that I realized how good of a thing it was that God was and is in control. 

So am I a control freak? Probably. That's still something that God is working on me. But I realize, it's ok not to have a plan that goes perfectly. God can use you no matter what. And if you get too much in the way, He does make it clear that He is the one who is supposed to be in charge. It was all so worth it, as 50 more little Nicaraguan children will be in Heaven, worshipping the One in control over our lives, with me.

Grief through Praise

There is always that one thing that we know of, but words fail to give it justice. Constantly we find ourselves in moments where there is a loss for words. It's those moments though, that give us a chance to take a second glance at that thought.
And through those eyes, I see grief.
No one can explain death, other than it is an inevitable phenomena. How, when, why are all questions that are left unanswered, both by us and by God. But the thing is, God doesn't leave those unanswered to torture us. Quite the opposite. Those questions lead us to Him. We come seeking, begging, crying out on our knees for Him because He truly is the only one with answers. Sure, doctors can tell us the cause of the death and when exactly it occurred, but other than that, we have no answers. We will never know the reason a dear friend committed suicide, or why a mother of three beautiful children passed away from incurable cancer, or why a classmate couldn't be saved in surgery, or why a grandparent is suddenly taken away.

What we can ask though is: what are WE doing in the moment that will matter in 1000 years? 100 years? 1 year? 1 week?
Ultimately God is in control of our life, whether we like it or not. We can no more control our life, than the weatherman can control the weather outside. And it's through that realization that we can praise Him through grief.
I truly don't believe that God takes away those who are precious in our life to harm us. Rather, He has deemed those people with a time frame shorter or longer than whatever ours may be. He is jealous for us, so He wants us in His presence. That much is clear. So why should we want to stay away from that longer than we have to? All those that have gone before us, have the incredible pleasure of being with our Savior for THAT much longer. What a neat thing for them!
But just because they have moved into His presence, doesn't mean we should move further away from it. Instead, we should revel in His open arms and the peace He offers us now. God promises never to give us more than we can handle, and that He is ALWAYS at our side. So every day that passes, we should embrace that, after all, we are one step closer to spending that incredible time of worshipping God at His feet.

"He WILL wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." [Revelation 21:4]

Sometimes it isn't easy. Trust me, I've spent more time crying in the past week than in a long while. But, if anything, it should spur me on to live EACH and EVERY day to it's potential. None of us are promised tomorrow, it's a gift. So if we were to go see God in His glory, what of us would be left behind to be remembered? Would it be a life that was lived completely for God? Will it be a testimony pointing to Christ, so that He might be praised through it all?

Live for today. Love for the moment. Praise for a lifetime.

An Act of Submission: Prayer

Pray [verb]: (1) to make a request in a humble manner; (2) to address God or a god with adoration, confession, supplication, or thanksgiving

Often I wonder how often we take heed of the definition of pray. Sometimes I think we, as Christians, think it's our RIGHT to "pray" and ask God for everything we want/need/etc... 

[Let me preface with, I don't think it's wrong AT ALL to ask God for the desires of our heart... In fact, he asks that we do (Psalm 37:4;  Mark 11:24)]

But when was the last time we (and I'm preaching to myself here...) came to God in a purely humble manner. 

Humble [adjective]: (1) having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience; (2) courteously respectful

In response to God, we should be nothing BUT humble. If we look at ourselves... We are in a fallen world, living a broken life, that is make good only by His perfect life. How or why should we go before Him with an attitude of expectation? Expectation that He will do EXACTLY what WE want, when WE want it, and how WE want it. Where is the humbleness in that? 

And when we pray... Are we as respectful as we should be considering it is the Most High God we are talking to? Or are we coming at it as if he is our friend, across the street, whom we only talk to once in a blue moon?

God didn't HAVE to die for us. He doesn't HAVE to listen to our whiny, selfish prayers.

BUT HE DOES.

And how amazing I've found it.

Despite the fact that I find myself praying for the smallest, silliest, most selfish things, I KNOW He listens. But how often do I really do it, considering what I know?

Muslims pray 5 times a day facing Mecca.

Judiasm requires their followers to pray 3 times a day.

Hindus pray 3 times a day.

HOW OFTEN DO WE PRAY?

God doesn't require a certain amount. It doesn't matter when we pray, or how we pray... But God WANTS us to pray. 

Prayer is our way of recognizing God as our friend, our father, and our God.

It requires a certain amount of humbleness to pour out our heart to someone... and this is what God is asking us to do. Not in a vain attitude, where we can boast to people about "how we prayed..." It's not even so we can tell people "Well this happened because I prayed..." It's simply to be in tune with God. To humble ourselves, to be real, and to become intimate with the one Man who can understand our aches, pains, joys, and laughter more than we can ourself.

So pray. 

Pray with an attitude of humbleness. God doesn't HAVE to listen to us, but He WANTS to and He DOES. 

Pray with respectfulness because it's the God of the universe we are talking with.

Pray with fervor because it's our real heart God wants to hear.

Pray real because God knows it even when we're faking.

Pray.

Hall of Faith

Does MY personal faith have what it takes to make it into the "Hall of Faith?"

This has been the resounding question in my head since I read Hebrews 11 last night.

"Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not see."
How many times have we heard this verse? There is at least one sermon a year about this chapter. Don't get me wrong, the sermons are always fantastic, but this chapter hit me in a way that it had never hit me before.

Being sure of what we hope for... What better could this be talking about than the hope of living in Heaven with Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior for eternity! BUT... so much more can be taken from that little phrase. Yes, we are SURE of our hope of living with Christ, but what else do we hope for that requires the faith this verse talks about? In retrospect, nothing else compares. We hope for things such as a job, spouse, family, health, etc... But those sure aren't things I want to put my faith in, yet on a regular basis I find myself thinking and being sure of those things rather than lasting things.

Why is that?

Certain of what we do not see... Certainty of Christ in our lives is about as certain as we can get. We can't be certain we got the job that we wanted... We can be certain of what is going to happen in the future. All of those we cannot see, but what we MUST be certain of is Christ. Even though we can't see Him, He CAN see us, and is certainly leading us on His path for our life.

"By faith Abel..."

"By faith Enoch..."

"By faith Noah..."

"By faith Abraham..."

"By faith Isaac..."

"By faith Jacob..."

"By faith Joseph..."

"By faith Moses..."

"By faith the people..."

"By faith the prostitute Rahab..."

By faith Grace...

Can I honestly be described using those three simple words, "By faith Grace..." What would come after that? Has my life been whereas God can say that "By faith, when Grace was called to Bristol, TN she went and obeyed even though it wasn't her plan." or.. "By faith Grace, even though she is single at a Christian college, lived her life for Me because I have the best plan for her."

All things to dwell on, as I look on the lives of so many monumental people in the Christian faith.

Abel... was killed, yet was known as a righteous man.

Enoch... was spared death and was commended as one who pleased God.

Noah... had faith for something he had never witnessed.

Abraham... had an attitude of expectancy.

Isaac... blessed.

Jacob... worshiped.

Joseph... saved the people of Isral.

Moses... regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as GREATER VALUE.

The people... wandered and struggled, yet still followed Christ.

Rahab... was obedient.

Grace.....

"God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." [vs. 40]

I look forward to seeing the big picture of God's plan... But I am SURE of my hope that He will use me, and CERTAIN His plan is much better than mine ever could be.

Resolutions, Family, and Joy

I know I'm a little late... But late is better than never, right?

It's now halfway through January. I'm 20 and a junior at Asbury. Where has time gone?

The year of 2013 is bound to bring a lot of changes, especially in myself.
My resolutions this year weren't the typical, "Run a mile by the end of the year," or "Have a significant other by New Years of 2014..."
Instead, most, if not all of them, were things that I am going to work on changing, rather than achieving. Now, if you know me well, all of the ways I need to change are probably coming to mind. I completely understand. I'm about as human as you can get. Recently though, God's really been showing me how I need to do this thing called "change."
Instead of figuring out how I can change everyone else around me to fit into my mold, I need to be the one who is changing to be more of Christ to everyone around me.
It hasn't, and probably will continue to, been easy to evaluate all the ways that I "fail."
[Now, I'm not saying that in a negative, I hate everything about my life way... Instead it's way that I need to change in order to become more of a woman after God's own heart."
And I know there are LOTS of areas.
So if you would, please be in prayer. I want it to be an evident change in my life.

But going along those lines, family also tied into my resolutions.
Now let me just paint a picture real quick:
The Perfect Family
This woman and man met at the young age of 10, and knew they were right for each other. They dated all through high school, and got married at the age of 18. By 21, they were parents and entering in this new journey. By the time they were 30, they have 4 children, and a picture perfect family. Their children all got along perfectly, hardly any fighting. As they continue to grow up, they were all best friends and the family was the "ideal family" in the school and church they went to. Their kids would come home from college and it'd be a great family reunion. By the time the parents are 80, the children are all willing to move back "home" to take care of them. It was a perfect life.

I'm not mocking families that have that. I think it's perfectly wonderful.
But THAT isn't the family God has blessed me with.
Just because my family isn't that "picture perfect" doesn't mean that it wasn't perfect for everyone in my family.
Guess what? WE ARE HUMAN. Every single person in my family messes up, and I'll be the first to admit that I've messed up a significant amount of times.
And because of that, no, we aren't all BFF's who want to spend every waking minute together. Believe it or not, we want time apart. We want to be away, so that when we come back together our time is even sweeter because we have realized how important and special family really is.
Plus, if you know my family deeply, you know the struggles we've been through. Trust has been broken, hearts have been broken, and tension has been created. But it's ok. You know what God says about broken families?
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." [Psalm 147:3]
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, or crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." [Revelation 21:4]
"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." [Matthew 18:20]
"But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned-every one- to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all." [Isaiah 53:5]

ALL of these are promises that my family clings to.
We aren't perfect.
We are going to disagree.
We are going to need to "get away" to think.
But we love each other unconditionally.
Those that think otherwise of my family, needs to get to know us more. Till the day I die, I will stand up for my family and show them how much I love them.
As I like to say, I may not always like them, but I sure as gravy will ALWAYS love them.
Now all that to say, many of my resolutions have connections to growing my relationships with family. I have realized how special those friendships really are. Being in this new age of life, it's neat to have that friendship relationship with my mom, who I know will be with me and support me no matter what. My sister and I are slowly building up the trust that was lost. It's a process. Nothing is going to happen overnight, but rather, it will take work. Lots on my part. But I'm willing and ready to put the effort in it, as I know it will be worth it.

Through all of that, my goal is to see joy.
Now, I know my mom will be reading this, and probably will jump up and down and say, "FINALLY!" [Yes Mom, I really have been listening all of those times you've talked about joy... :)]

After talking with one of my best friends last night, I really solidified my efforts in trying to be more joyful about all of my circumstances, whether they are who I'm living with, who I'm interacting with, or who I've yet to meet. But God blesses our lives so much more when we see life through His eyes. Ones of forgiveness, openness, gentleness, and kindness. After all Hebrews 3:14 tells us, "We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first." We tend to become complacent and comfortable in our situations, which I have found, leads to apathy, unthankfulness and a lack of joy. Instead of viewing each day as the "same ol', same ol'," my challenge is to view each day as a wonderful gift from God. Full of new choices, interactions, and blessing from God! With this viewpoint, I believe the joy that we will find will come STRAIGHT from God and His blessings that he will choose to bestow on us.

"In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas... But you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God."
[Jonah 2:2,3,6b]